Notes’s very special chili recipe, yeet

First yr gonna need a crockpot; okay, then add 2 lbs ground beef (browned beforehand, then spend like 20 minutes draining the fat because you weren’t paying attention when your mom taught you how to do it, so you kinda had to figure out how to do it on your own and you’re still to lazy to google it, so you really suck at it (wait, no, actually I did google it, that’s why I started using a spoon to like shovel it out, I guess I don’t know why it takes that long then, is it supposed to take that long, I feel like it isn’t) then add a cup and a half of water and sprinkle in some spicy taco shit from the ethnic food aisle (sorry, but I am too tired to go into my well-rehearsed rant about all of that bullshit [I don’t actually have a well-rehearsed rant]) , 28 oz kIdney beans (whichever kind at the store says spicy chili style), 28 oz Diced Tomatoes (also whichever kind at the store says spicy chili style. I want this chili *spicy*), 14 oz Tomato sauce; once these ingredients are in that crockpot add the spicy chili mix stuff (unless you’re me and have to use the regular stuff because the spicy stuff ain’t gluten free), then stir that shit up (you’ll know when you’ve stirred it enough when your arm starts hurting [it’s, like normal for that to happen after like just ten stirs, right?]); then add 4 fucking bell peppers (get the green ones so it’s more colorful, you don’t want the finished product looking like bloody stool) and 2 big ass onions [idk, the only onions the store had when I went were like twice the size of normal onions], after you spend like an hour cutting them up while singing along to Joni Mitchell’s Blue (though that’s actually only 40 minutes long, idk what you should listen to for the remaining 20 minutes [sike,of course I know, use that time to get some fucking Oasis in your life]) and crying (don’t worry, it’s because of the onions [also maybe not just because of the onions, but still don’t worry, this is normal for me{well, it wasn’t *always* normal for me, but unfortunately, adulting}]), (don’t worry when it turns out that you have, like a million times more onions than peppers, there’s like a lot of fucking onion in a single onion, I don’t know how they fit it all in there) I also sauté them beforehand, but I don’t know if I’m, like supposed to do that, idk, I don’t know how fucking cooking works; okay, now stir that shit up real good (using the other arm this time to give the other one a rest [also, apparently, like, using your non-dominant hand to brush your teeth is like healthy or something? so, same logic as that]); okay now turn it on high and leave it for four hours, wait, well, four hours is what the bag of spicy chili mix (also the non-spicy chili mix, it’s the same, except not spicy and gluten-free [so, kinda not the same, I guess]) said, but that didn’t account for my vegetable overkill, so idk leave it for four hours then every fifteen minutes come and taste it to see if it burns your mouth, and when it does, you’ll know it’s probably ready; BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE, while you’re letting the Crockpot do whatever crockpots do, cook two cups of rice (idk what brand you use, they all have different cooking instructions [I use, uh, wait let me go to the kitchen real quick to check… *waiting* … {sorry, it’s like a long walk to my kitchen}… okay, it’s uh {sorry now I have to actually go check instead of typing that I’m going to go check, brb}{god, I do not want to get up and walk all the way to the kitchen right now}{actually, I have t’go to the bathroom anyway}{note: I didn’t actually have to go to the bathroom}{it still took me like another two minutes after typing that to actually get up} okey dokey *typing from the kitchen* {that wasn’t so bad}{*is actually out of breath because I’m extremely out of shape and that’s something I really need to fix or else I’ll never attain the twink status I yearn for*} {still typing from the kitchen while holding my computer and my arm is getting tired again} wait why am I here again? {switches arm} oh yeah, rice, {okay now my arm really is getting tired}{also my back hurts} okey dokey, I use, uh, Our Family brand Enriched Long Grain White Rice {actually switching arms now}{wait, duh, I can just rest the computer on the counter}{it’s not like I didn’t realize that, I just didn’t plan to be here long enough for my arm to get tired} Why was I here again? Oh yeah, anyway, that’s the brand I like, it’s like, fluffy as fuck] wait we’re still in the parentheses? actually, I think I said all the parentheses stuff I wanted to say) what was this post (well, I actually typed all of this in  a discord channel about food then realized I had typed over a thousand words) about again? oh yeah, anyway, cook that rice, preferably (back on the couch from the kitchen now) only shortly before or once the rest of the chili (you: wait, what  do you mean, “rest of the chili”; I know what you’re thinking and you’re correct: I looked at that perfectly fine chili and said “WHAT IF THERE WAS RICE”) has finished cooking; btw, once the rest of chili has finished cooking, set the crockpot to warm, its like a life hack to keep it from going cold, if life hacks can include features on crockpots that are deliberately designed for the convenience of keeping your chili, or whatever the fuck else people put in crockpots (not here to judge), warm; okay once your rice has finished cooking, dump that shit into the crockpot, which, if you’ve been following these instructions carefully, should be borderline overflowing by now; of course, you know what I’m gonna ask y’all to do next, right? that’s right: STIR THAT BINCH (don’t worry, I’m not going to beat the dead horse of my tired arms). Okay! You’re done! Simple enough, right?

IMG_1663There she is.

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